I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
