im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
