You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
