It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
