so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize