its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
