After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
