Ambien. No doubt about it.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize