I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
one might say we're banned from that church
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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