I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
