we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
