Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
