Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize