I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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