I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
