Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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