I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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