If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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