the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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