His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
