i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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