Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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