i just sent this text using only my big toe
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Randomize
