I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
