Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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