If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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