Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
