I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
