She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Randomize
