I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
