o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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