obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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