im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
