Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
