I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
