Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
dude. I can hear the air.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
