I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
