Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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