I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
