I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
