bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize