I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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