Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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