He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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