I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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