Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
