did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
