im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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