so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
