You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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