I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
