____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
my mouth tastes like poor choices
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Im part way to drunk.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
