Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Randomize
