Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
