you win again, gameday.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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