guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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