birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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