After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
