she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I'm passing your future prison.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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