I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
