Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
