I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
