at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
