i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
