dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
