fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
