So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
